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Friday, April 09, 2010 

The Twitteroracy is ablaze with indignation.

A prospective Labour candidate has been expelled from the party after a journalist was bored enough to look at his Twitter page.

Hamish McMadeupname, the Labour party's candidate for the fictional constituency of Loch Ness, was found to have been using the social-networking website to communicate directly with potential voters, asking them what their concerns were and whether he could help with any problems that they were currently experiencing.

A Labour party spokesman explained the decision in far more than 140 characters. "His position was frankly untenable. Everyone knows that Twitter is there to state the obvious, get into pointless squabbles with opposition politicians and to insult minor celebrities, as well as providing the vital service of informing the entire world of exactly what you're doing at that precise second. We simply can't allow someone to use the site in such a way; it sets a terrible example and shows up the rest of us. How can you possibly defend someone that didn't comment on members of the public waiting at a railway station by identifying them as "Burberry wearing, Special Brew drinking, hideously tattooed underclass cunts that will be first against the wall come the revolution"? Why couldn't he try and fit in like everyone else by describing Lady GaGa "as having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp while possessing the body of a 80-year old woman. Oh, and she has a cock as well." How was he going to get noticed without referring to Nick Clegg as "the kind of public school boy that always ended up having to eat the soggy biscuit"?

Twitter users themselves were scathing about the decision. @twattermeup tweeted: "Like, ROFLMAO. @Hamish4Labour was bringing the lolz. I'd like to see #GordonClown do that. And he was going to get the tree overhanging my garden cut back."

Nick Clegg has had at least 30 women.

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