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Friday, February 17, 2012 

That Rupert Murdoch memo to staff in full.

Bonzer mates!

KRM here. James told me I had to pop in considering you seem to be having some sort of local difficulty, nothing too serious apparently but it could impact on my far more important business in the States, fools errand I think personally but here I am.

First off, I wanna congratulate all you fellas and sheilas for your important work over the past 43 years. I obviously put all the money in and therefore it's really my success, but you deserve some credit as well. This paper has become a part of me; not as important as my heart or brain, more a sort of malfunctioning bowel, but a part of me all the same. It will always have a unique position in the company, at least while I remain in charge.

It therefore truly pains me that the goddamn police are sniffing round again, delighting the pinkos and snobs who have always hated what we do. You're all great journalists, like my old man was, and how do we get repaid? With shit sandwiches.

All the same, this can't go on. Much as I couldn't care less what you do to make me money and enhance my power and influence, it makes me look like a raw dingo's bum when I have to apologise to the families of murdered schoolgirls and cough up nonsense like this is the most humble day of my life to please a load of jumped up shirtlifters. From now on, you've got to obey the law.

You might be pissed off that it looks as though I'm selling you out to save myself, so here's a couple of sweeteners. All those people that bloke Kavanagh who seems to know me says are legends are hereby off suspension. We'll cover your legal expenses, at least until the heat gets too much. Everyone's innocent until proven guilty, especially me, as I couldn't possibly have been expected to know what was going in some shabby little outpost of my empire.

And to really stir things up, I'm pleased to announce we'll soon be launching The Sun on Sunday. It won't cost much according to my advisers, and I'm sure you can easily handle putting the same paper out 7 days a week rather than just 6.

I'm going to be in town doing other things for the next few weeks, meeting up with my pal Tony and going in through the back door at Number 10 while no one's looking, so you can trust in my unwavering support at least for now. I'm confident I'll get through this and emerge stronger.

Thank you,
Rupert Murdoch.

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