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Monday, November 03, 2014 

Six ways you can help stop climate change.

Yes, it's a daunting challenge, and you might well be inclined to hide behind the sofa after the latest report from the IPCC on how life will shortly be even less worth living than it currently is if we go on with our polluting ways, but there are still things we as individuals can do to help.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Consider killing yourself.  There are simply too damn many of us.  Were humans to vanish from the Earth tomorrow, the planet would heal itself in a matter of years.  Clearly we're not all going to off ourselves, more's the pity, but any contribution to the cause is welcome.

2.  If you can't face suicide for whatever reason, there's always the next best option.  Why not lop off a limb, pluck out an eye or tear and rend at your flesh?  Cutting carbon begins at home.

3.  Stop eating so much, you grotesquely obese piles of filth.  Less heavily processed food means less carbon used to get it to supermarkets, means less walking meat sacks farting and belching out methane, means less shit to step in when you go for a walk in the countryside.  If you can still walk.

4.  Go outside.  Stop reading all this bilge on the internet, retweeting, favouriting, liking, pretending to want to bring back Nigerian girls or that you're supporting #TeamTulisa or whatever you're distracting yourself with today.  Why not double this with 1 or 2 by reclaiming the street?

5.  You still here?

6.  Seriously, number 1.  It's the only answer.  You really think we're going to stop climate change when most of us can't even turn a fucking running tap off?  Or you could go out and buy some LED lightbulbs, plant a tree, that kind of thing.  If it makes you feel better.  There's always pretending science and technology will solve everything too.  Face it, we're doomed.  We had a good run.  Let's just not take everything else down with us, eh?

In other depressing news:

  • Home secretary desperately sorry for not appointing anti-establishment figure to head abuse inquiry, Russell Brand and Nigel Farage unavailable
  • Desperate blogger writes desperately unfunny, mocking response to well-meaning comment piece, still likely to vote Green in 2015

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