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Thursday, January 01, 2015 

That David Cameron new year message in full.

It's a new year, and there's a lot that's new in our country today.

Not for me though, as once again I'm standing in a nondescript factory somewhere to underline how, despite not having worked with my hands for a single day in my entire life, there's nothing I'm more in favour of than a hard day's toil.

The world is looking at Britain in a new way too.  They're wondering exactly what kind of hocus pocus we're using to make it look as though the economy's booming.

It's quite simple.  We have a long term economic plan with common sense values at its heart.  If you put it in, you get it out, like you'll have the chance to with our EU referendum.  If you want to work, and let's face it, you have to, as we've made it impossible for those who genuinely can't find a job to not get sanctioned, there are a whole myriad of zero-hours contracts or self-employed part-time placements for you to choose from.  And if you're willing to save, with the mountain of cash you'll have left over at the end of the month thanks to our raising of the income tax threshold, you can buy a rabbit hutch of your very own.  Finally, when you feel it's time to consider dying, you'll have the dignity and security a NHS coming apart at the seams offers us all.

Our long term plan is working.  George, remind me, what is our long term plan?  Blame Labour for everything and leave all the difficult stuff until after the election, that's the one.

Britain this year has a choice.  Between the competence that has gotten us this far, or the chaos of giving it up, going backwards and taking huge risks.  The competence that led us to stall the economic recovery for two years before we realised it was time to loosen the austerity we imposed.  The competence of a top-down reorganisation of the NHS we expressly said wasn't necessary, and we already recognise as our biggest mistake.  The competence of chasing after UKIP, becoming ever more hardline on immigration and seeing UKIP's support keep increasing as a result.  Or the setting of an immigration target in the first place, that was also outstandingly competent.  And if it's chaos you're after, you can't do much better than the countrywide riots we saw and we desperately hope everyone's forgotten about, what with the police facing some of the most eye-watering spending cuts of all.

This should be our resolution.  There is such a thing as society, but if you vote for us in May we intend to ensure there's no such thing as the state.

Finally, look at my bulbous face and be reassured that Thomas the Tank Engine is your prime minister.  Oh, and happy new year to you and yours.

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