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Monday, February 29, 2016 

How to win a referendum, by Nicola Sturgeon.

Scottish first minister Nicola Sturgeon won praise today for advising David Cameron on how to lose the  referendum on EU membership.

"David Cameron has so far gone about his campaign to stay in the EU all wrong," Sturgeon told an invited audience of muggles.  "He's put the onus on the leave campaign to spell out how Britain will be better off out, when my experience from the Scottish referendum campaign is that you have to put across a positive, overwhelmingly upbeat message about how wonderful everything will be if only you believe in yourselves.  He needs to start making clear immediately how North Sea oil will never stop flowing, how the pound will become the world's strongest currency, how every day will be the first day of spring, and how lions will lie down with sheep in the glorious utopia that will be our remaining in the European Union.

"Instead, he looks set on fighting a miserable, negative, fear-based campaign, the kind that resulted in a 10% margin of victory for No in 2014.  Unless he changes course, I can only predict a crushing defeat for the leave campaign, which will never do, as I'm desperately hoping to be able to call a second referendum on the flimsiest excuse.  Which we'll then lose again anyway".

In other news:
Woman somehow manages to one up cretin who proposed on front of Observer magazine by making arse of herself in Bristol

Film about campaigning journalists wins Best Picture Oscar; "We'll never see its like again", weeps Evgeny "Two Beards" Lebedev

Do we really still have another 4 months of this beyond tedious EU crap to go?

In non-piss taking, an opinion journalist genuinely wrote this news:

Like Thelma and Louise gripping each other’s hands as they speed over the cliff’s edge, Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are powering towards the lip of the canyon marked “Brexit”. What will become of the fugitive twosome? 

Though the formal referendum campaign does not begin until 14 April, the fate of the London mayor and the justice secretary has provided the first week of unofficial skirmishing with a gripping soap opera arc. Will David Cameron ever forgive his friend Mike? And what about George Osborne, whose alliance with Gove was thought to be unbreakable?

Find out next week on BrexEnders!  Or alternatively, do the smart thing and kill yourself.

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