Sun journalist 'has found arse with both hands'.
John Kay found his arse during a visit to the on site chapel. It was while he stood before the holy stained glass window depicting Saint Murdoch victorious over the vested interests of the print unions that he suddenly discovered by moving his arms slightly back and reaching out with his hands that he could place them on his posterior.
A source said: "This is the very first time that a Sun journalist has managed to find their arse with both hands. You would have thought, considering the size of Kelvin MacKenzie, that he would have been the first senior Sun hack to find his arse, but he never once managed it. Many other people wanted to find Rebekah Wade's arse, up until the incident with her ex-husband, yet she somehow succeeded in life without pin-pointing where her own backside was."
Another source said: "Of course, we don't actually know that John Kay managed to find his arse with both hands. No one saw the swing of his arms after his epiphany, and he could quite feasibly just be saying he found it in order to impress the other journalists. However, it could also be genuine, or indeed an attempt to engender sympathy."
Last night the Sun said: "We do no (sic) comment on individual journalists."
Obsolete said, just to continue the theme: "Surely it's rather poor taste for a journalist who killed his wife in a failed murder-suicide pact (see Stick it Up Your Punter! pages 70-71 for the full story; Kay's father blamed the Sun for the nervous breakdown prior to the death of his wife, and feeling somewhat responsible they hired a lawyer to defend him, and said it would take him back as soon as he was well enough, as long as he was kept to the office. Kay pleaded guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility.) to be writing on just how someone else might be attempting to seek redemption for a crime involving a member of their own family, especially when they describe that person as both evil and monstrous. Or is it just a case of the Sun's editor, Dominic Mohan, not being able to find his arse with both hands?"