That all-purpose pre-written opening ceremony review in full.
Wow!/Well, what a surprise. Britain has once again proved through the truly fabulous/dire opening ceremony, helmed by the genius/half-wit Danny Boyle that it can equal the very best/very worst when it comes to spectacular gala extravaganzas/lazy, ill-thought through mind-numbingly expensive 3 hour long bore fests. Who could have imagined how perfectly/pitifully our national character would be portrayed, purely through interpretive dance, massed cyclists and Routemaster buses/foreign nurses prancing about, inner city teenagers break dancing and bendy buses? And what a wonderful moment/crushing disappointment/terrible tragedy it was when Roger Bannister/The Queen/Simon Cowell/Seb Coe/David Cameron/John Terry/Tulisa/Boris Johnson/Abu Qatada/Dizzee Rascal/Steve Redgrave/Richard Desmond/Eddie the Eagle/Stephen Fry/Jessica Ennis/Ian Brady/Anjem Choudrary/Jonathan Ross/Cheryl Cole/Tony Blair/The Undead General Galteri/Florence without the Machine/Tempa T/Julia Bradbury/James Murdoch/Daley Thompson/Nelson Mandela/Wayne Rooney/Max Mosley/Georgina Baillie/Will.i.am/Jiang Zemin/Bashar al-Assad/Nicolas Sarkozy/Katie Price/Jodie Marsh/The Undead Jade Goody/Nasty Nick/Simon Jenkins/Jeremy Hunt/Lord Leveson/Robert Jay/The Undead Robin Cook/Bruce Dickinson/Marilyn Manson/Ozzy Osborne/Gary Barlow/Andrew Lloyd Webber/Larry the Cat/Spot the Dog lit the cauldron/somehow managed to extinguish the flame through waving the torch too much/suffered third degree burns when they overbalanced and fell in to the giant gold pot. As for the firework finale/passenger jet crashing into Seb Coe's gigantic ego/mass shooting, this will clearly be a day that we will never forget/remember and celebrate for years to come/live in infamy.
(Brilliant/You're fired/Is this right? Ed)