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Wednesday, October 22, 2014 

So damn easy to cave in.

Pressure is once again growing on ministers over their latest choice of candidate to lead the inquiry into historic child sexual abuse.

It had been thought all sides would unite around the appointment of the Witchsmeller Pursuivant, known for his long record in uncovering paedophiles, including in cases where there was no record of the guilty so much as having contact with a child.  "He's completely unbiased," said a ministerial source.  "Every single person he has accused has been found guilty, as proved by their failure to pass ordeal by water.  You can't get more unbiased than that."

Campaigners have since discovered however that Mr Pursuivant is a 10th cousin, thrice removed of Lord Brittan, bringing his objectivity into question.  The Witchsmeller denies ever meeting Lord Brittan, but admits he cannot guarantee having never been within 10 miles of the former Conservative home secretary, the latest stipulation asked for by MPs and lawyers.

Simon Danczuk, Labour MP for Rochdale, was scathing of the choice of Mr Pursuivant.  "How many more times does this government intend to choose establishment figures who are unable to prove they are sufficiently removed from Lord Brittan?  That he can't account for every single one of his movements over the course of the past 45 years simply isn't acceptable.  I don't know what world these people inhabit but where I come from you know if you're within 10 miles of a lizard in human skin.  You can smell them for a start."

Asked who he would like to chair the inquiry, Danczuk had the answer.  "There is only one man for the job.  I realise Geoffrey Dickens has been dead for 19 years, but that doesn't mean he can't be channelled by a medium, one suitably removed from Leon Brittan, obviously.  His spirit would also be able to answer questions over the contents of his dossier as no one else could.  The fact he was vehemently opposed to the occult poses a problem, I'll admit, but it shouldn't be insurmountable.  I'm sure he'll understand."

Should Pursuivant be forced to stand down, he will join Lady Butler-Sloss, Fiona Woolf, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, Will.i.am, Jeremy Irons, Sara Payne and Chris Hansen, all of whom have been appointed only to then resign.

In other news:
Ched Evans speaks - "It wasn't rape, just a light sexual assault, and I apologise for my infidelity"
Meghan Trainor withdraws All About That Bass from sale, apologises for pretending to be African-American
Man kills everything

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