Meanwhile, in bizarro world...
"My colleague in the other place, Lord Farmer, informs me that anal sex among teenage girls in the Home Counties has become so common and frequent that many are reporting to their local GP with incontinence," commented Michael Fallon. "There is clearly only one solution to this problem, and that is to send our Tornados to the San Fernando Valley to deal with the evil of pornography at source."
"For anyone concerned about the potential for collateral damage, I would like to reassure them by saying that not a single civilian has been harmed in our bombing of Iraq in the past year. Not one. Admittedly, there was the unfortunate business of that other British citizen being killed alongside the one who was literally going to bomb us any second, but that was in Syria and was a drone strike, and anyway he was a jihadi too so deserved it."
Asked whether President Obama might object to this attack on American soil, Fallon was nonplussed. "It would complicate matters, certainly, but that's no excuse for inaction. The French don't agonise about these things. They saw the potential danger of the young imitating what went on in that 2 girls 1 cup video, and immediately made it illegal for anyone or anything, whether man, animal or vegetable to defecate. Their streets are safe, why can't ours be?"
In other news:
Pope says procreation "morally indefensible", demands that abortion be made compulsory
Bear declares shitting outside of woods "morally indefensible", demands safe areas and no fly zone in forest to defend right to shite