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Monday, March 07, 2016 

Cartoon hippopotamuses planning a "spectacular" attack, says head of counter-terrorism.

The so-called Islamic State group may be planning a "spectacular" attack in the UK, the national head of counter-terrorism policing has warned.

So-called Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley also spoke of the myriad other groups that may be planning "spectacular" attacks in the UK.

"We haven't, for instance, received intelligence that a splinter group of radicalised so-called Moomins are intending to carry out suicide bombings in multiple cities at the same time, but we are preparing for every eventuality.  It may happen," he said.

"Likewise, at the moment there is no indication that members of the so-called Labour party opposed to Jeremy Corbyn's continued leadership may resort to desperate measures and take their anger out on the public in a wave of sickening outrages.  We are though open minded when it comes to the threats the country faces."

"Similarly, we haven't ruled out the possibility that at some point the so-called Metropolitan police might finally get a head of counter-terrorism who doesn't constantly speculate about the impending doom the public faces, only for the much forecast "spectacular" attack to never arrive.  I obviously am not that man.  Then again, hasn't the police officer/politician warning of imminent mass casualties from marauding Muslims become a part of the so-called Western lifestyle in itself?  Would a head of anti-terrorism not constantly warning the public to be ready to duck and cover in itself be a surrender to Islamic fascists?  What year is this?  If a jihadist explodes in a forest and no one is there to witness it, am I still really me?"

At this point the press conference was brought to a hasty close by a man who looked eerily like Peter Sellers.

In other news:
European politicians negotiate with prime minister of country where newspapers are being shut down, academics arrested and civilians bombed; absolutely no one protests
British athlete swaps bike for horse; British media swaps hype for yet more hype
Millennials: The label everyone other than the media fucking detests
Meet the Saudi comedians Saudis can't laugh about (unless they want 100 lashes or to lose a limb): the Al Sauds!

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